Gavin’s Glossary of Terms of Existence

I’ve started a glossary of terms relating to human existence. I’ll flesh it out as our existences go by. Quite a bit of this is stream of consciousness, so it isn’t in alphabetical order.

Birth:
A transpiring event you don’t recall and of which you imagine everything, including a god

Death:
An expiring event you won’t recall and of which you fear everything, including a god

Karma:
Feeling frustrated that, while sitting on one side of a balance scale, you can’t throw marshmallows onto the other side fast enough to raise youself from the tracks before the Evening Express comes through.

Grace:
In the Catholic sense–having invested in a marshmallow factory when you were young.

Luck:
The Evening Express being delayed by a landslide in a mountain pass. All the rail cars have been swept into a swollen river and everyone has died who wasn’t carrying a large bag of marshmallows.

Buddhist monk:
A kindly man in a saffron robe sitting under a nearby tree and telling you in a soothing tone, “Just wait”.

Franciscan monk:
A kindly man in a brown robe sitting under a nearby tree and telling you in a soothing tone, “God‘s will”.

Jesuit priest:
A kindly man in a snappy black suit sitting under a nearby tree and telling you in a not-so-soothing tone, ” Sucks, doesn’t it”.

Bishop:
A kindly man wearing a pointy hat sitting under a nearby tree and asking, “Would you like to buy some marshmallows?”

Satan:
A kindly man with pointy ears and a tan sitting under a nearby tree and asking, “Would you like to buy some marshmallows?”

Politician:
A friendly man wearing a blue and red suit sitting under a nearby tree and imploring, “Be afraid; be very afraid! May I have some of your marshmallows?”

Anthropologist:
A studious man looking at the wrapper of the Big Mac you had for lunch and wondering, “Does this mean he worshipped a god?”

Husband of premenopausal woman:
A clueless man living under a nearby rock exclaiming, “This is funny. Let’s roast marshmallows.”

Premenopausal woman:
A nervous woman sitting on the end of the weakest branch of a nearby tree screaming, “This is not funny! Wait–yes it is! God, it’s hot in here! This is not about marshmallows!”

Catholic nun:
A kindly woman sitting under a nearby tree and asking, “Do I really have to sit with these nits?”

Religion:
Praying for marshmallows to be bestowed upon you by the owner of a marshmallow factory and for a temporary reprieve from the chemistry of oxidation, while ignoring the ultimate effect on everyone in those rail cars.

Fate:
Watching the hooks on the balance scale slowly rust away.

Freedom:
Choosing to get off your ass to see what you can do for anyone in those rail cars who is still alive.

 

Sept. 2012

 

 

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