Dear Mr. Sisk:
Regarding your exclamatory remark after learning your two-year-old laptop was not upgradable to Windows 8.1.
I empathize with your frustration. Though I invented the cloud, I’ll be damned if I can control it. (I like saying, “I’ll be damned.” It gives me funny hiccups.) But consider this. I remember turning my back for just a moment (a long time ago from your point of view, which is limited by design) so I could have a strategic planning meeting with my event coordinator, Moses. From my point of view (which, naturally, is all points), I was only distracted for a moment. But apparently it was long enough for some trash-talking ape-heads to erect a fake cow to throw prayers at. That really pissed me off—those prayers were for me. In fact, I thought hard about this being a really good excuse to use up all that rain left over from the last time I got mad. Cool heads prevailed in the end (all mine). I think Moses took it harder than I did. I know what my editors wrote, but that guy had a really short fuse. And he never did reassemble those last three commandments–told me ten fit the math better (as if I needed a math lesson). Nonetheless, Mr Sisk, every time I hear, “Holy cow!” I get pretty riled up. Just say, “Holy shit!” I can take that. Hell, I invented the stuff!
Yes, backwards my name spells ‘dog’. But I invented those too. So I win either way. If that confuses you, it’s your own damned fault. One thing I didn’t invent was English. (When I say that something is your own damned fault, carefully consider the source.)
And yes, I write a lot of asides. But that’s kind of silly to point out to an omnipresent being, isn’t it? (Don’t spend too much time on that one.)
Also, get a Mac.