God Computes

Dear Mr. Sisk:

Regarding your exclamatory remark after learning your two-year-old laptop was not upgradable to Windows 8.1. 
I empathize with your frustration.  Though I invented the cloud, I’ll be damned if I can control it.  (I like saying, “I’ll be damned.”  It gives me funny hiccups.)  But consider this.  I remember turning my back for just a moment (a long time ago from your point of view, which is limited by design) so I could have a strategic planning meeting with my event coordinator, Moses.  From my point of view (which, naturally, is all points), I was only distracted for a moment.  But apparently it was long enough for some trash-talking ape-heads to erect a fake cow to throw prayers at.  That really pissed me off—those prayers were for me.  In fact, I thought hard about this being a really good excuse to use up all that rain left over from the last time I got mad.  Cool heads prevailed in the end (all mine).  I think Moses took it harder than I did.  I know what my editors wrote, but that guy had a really short fuse.  And he never did reassemble those last three commandments–told me ten fit the math better (as if I needed a math lesson).  Nonetheless, Mr Sisk, every time I hear, “Holy cow!” I get pretty riled up.  Just say, “Holy shit!”  I can take that.  Hell, I invented the stuff!

Thank Me,


Yes, backwards my name spells ‘dog’.  But I invented those too.  So I win either way.  If that confuses you, it’s your own damned fault.  One thing I didn’t invent was English.  (When I say that something is your own damned fault, carefully consider the source.)
And yes, I write a lot of asides.  But that’s kind of silly to point out to an omnipresent being, isn’t it?  (Don’t spend too much time on that one.)
Also, get a Mac.


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